Our Hidden Superpower
Pic by Bruce Mars
Recently, I was speaking with a client about a commitment they had made but were putting off. At one point they said, “I know I should be doing this.” I noticed that they had used the word “should” on a few other occasions. On the one hand, it’s just a word, but words can be revealing.
“Should” usually carries judgement and obligation. In this case, someone else’s standard of what it means to be a “good professional.” And with that, and the task not being done or that call not being made, a persistent sense of falling short. When this happens, we can become very good at beating ourselves up—but not very good at actually doing the task, making that call, trying a new way to approach conversations etc. And our business suffers as a consequence.
For my client, none of this was apparent, just the feelings of guilt and frustration at the commitment not being acted on. We explored this, talked some more and landed on a variety of the commitment that they were more motivated to do. Then I offered a small experiment.
“Stop saying should. Start saying will.”
They paused, then said, “that feels different.”
“Will” felt like a decision had been made. It was going to happen. “Should” carried obligation and an excuse would be found not to do it.
The next time we met, the commitment had been acted on —consistently and without procrastination.
This shows up again and again in coaching: our words reveal our world. Our words shape how we observe, how we feel, and ultimately what we do and don’t do and how well we do it.
That’s the hidden superpower: the ability to reveal and shape what’s possible through language.
And most of the time, this superpower sits dormant. We fall into unexamined habits of language.
Here are three places where I see this most commonly.
1. The labels we give ourselves (and others)
We use words to categorise—and then live inside those categories.
“I’m an introvert, so I won’t go to that networking event.”
“Fairness is my core value, so I can’t keep working on that project.”
These sound reasonable. Even principled.
But they can close down options before we’ve even explored them.
2. The way we describe our situations
Sometimes the words we use don’t just describe our reality—they shrink it.
“I’m getting slammed.” That might be true, but it it can also hide something else—like agreeing to too many requests, and assuming we have no agency to do anything about it.
3. The stories we tell ourselves about other people
We are constantly interpreting others—their motives, intentions, and behaviour, often without checking.
“They don’t care.”
“They’re being difficult.”
“They’ve already made up their mind.”
These stories feel true—but they’re still stories.
And without conversations —to explore their perspective, to make a request, or to put forward a solution—we act on assumptions. Often ones we’ve picked up from others.
A simple practice
Here is a simple practice you can try for yourself, which comes from Ontological Coaching.
Pick a situation you’d like to be going better.
Then write—word for word, without editing —what you’re saying to yourself about it.
Read it back.
Get curious about:
Words like should, need to, have to.
Where you might be treating opinions or assumptions as facts
Where have you already decided what’s possible
Then experiment.
Change a few key words, and see and feel if something changes.
Revisit this after a few days and notice what’s changed - in your thinking, in your energy, your mood, and your sense of what’s possible.